Tuesday, April 05, 2005

NY'er Merging 

Honk if you love New York! If I had a bumper sticker, that’s what it’d say. But I don’t have a bumper sticker, and if I did, I’m sure it would have been rendered unreadable at this point, what with all the imperfect parallel parking I’m doing.
Hi Nashville. I’m new in town. Direct from the Big Apple and behind the wheel of car instead of in line for a bus. People had told me to “watch out for Nashville drivers. They’re nuts!” And I thought, “Oh good, I’ll fit right in.” Yet it’s been my observation that Nashvillians aren’t particularly bad drivers. Other than a citywide penchant for signaling a turn which invariably is executed in the other direction, ya’ll aren’t that intolerable. I’d say that the Pothead City Planner is more to blame for the state of the Road Confusion. How many names should be given to the same stretch of tar? “Then you take 12th Ave South.” “Then you take Granny White Pike.” They’re the same road. “Turn left onto Magnolia.” “Turn right on 17th Ave South.” They’re the same road. “21st turnsinta Hillsboro Pike which turnsinta Franklin.” Naturally. Those 5 miles of road shouldn’t bear the burden of just one street name when there’s so many others to be given. Probably a sound mapping decision, unless you’re not from here. Like me. And that trying to figure out where the *hen* ya are starts to feel like it's strategically calculated so that you remain clueless. Your logic eludes even my personal eGenie, Mapquest. Mapquest, oh god of all “lost girl syndrome” sufferers, even you have great difficulty offering up accurate directions from wherever “here” might be, to the desired location of “there.” I sympathize with you greatly and I want you to know that I don't hold you responsible. We're both doing the best we can.

Mr. or Mrs. City Planner, I have one concern which I feel is in dire need of your attention. What’s with all the shrubbery? While I do agree that the city streets are far more scenic when adorned with precisely trimmed hedges, if you’ll agree that, second only to the beautification any particular block, would be the visibility of oncoming traffic? Because as it stands now, I have to get my nose out there so far to take a peek, I might as well just assume there are no other cars on the road except me. The end-result is always a serenity-shattering mélange of honking of horns, a quick swerve, a stalled car, and a rather annoyed driver (with small children too, I suppose!) who displays a might bit less than Southern charm. Are those shrubs really to die for? Because maybe it’s just me. I’m from New York. We keep all that plant life where it belongs: in a Museum. Where NY Metro makes regular stops.


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