Thursday, February 19, 2004
Hey ladies, haven’t you heard? There’s no need to hover and squat in order to piddle in the public toilets. And not one of you has perfected the posture, thereby always leaving a piddle puddle on the seat for the rest of us. Blame gravity for the inaccuracy of your pee stream, and probably the high-heels crippling your attempted stradle, made more impossible by the pantyhose and knickers around your knees while attempting this ill-fated act. Haven't you read all these studies lately? God love those civil-minded scientists who have actually swabbed seats, sent the samples to their labs, and found no harmful bacteria, grossteria or any other microbiotic cellular beasts. In fact, the toilet seats are actually cleaner than public transit handrails and drinking fountains! Yes, drinking fountains! Turns out, our hands are veritable petrie-dishes! So why are you stradle-peeing and leaving a mess for me? I understand you feel too delicate to come in contact with anonymous ass matter and feel disgusted at the thought of imaginary butt bacteria making contact with your clothing. But it’s time to be realistic and stop pissing me off! There is no "eww-factor" about it, except when I have to pee, enter a stall and find a piddle pool on top of the toilet seat. "Eww" is when I yank off a hefty wad of wafer-thin T.P. to wipe up after you and then realize that there’s none left for me to wipe with. So work with me and the rest of your bladder-bound sisters: get over yourselves, your image of a delicate woman who wouldn't be so crass as to actually rest her bottom on the spot where a bevy of other bottoms have sat, in order to relieve herself. Give it up, join the masses, the seats are clean. Right up until you piss on it.